


a kid who's lost control

by nosecoffee



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Can Heidi be MY mom?, Comfort, Connor Lives, Everybody Lives/Nobody Dies, Fluff, Forgive Me, Found Families, Homelessness, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I love her, I wrote some Heidi, It's Almost Midnight, Larry is not a great dad, Love Declarations, M/M, New Conspiracy: Connor didn't finish the milk, Physical Abuse, She could murder me and id say thanks, Swearing, Texting, The Amazing Asshole Jared Kleinman, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Vague-Ass Smut, Verbal Abuse, domestic abuse, she's so great
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-11-01 11:52:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10921278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nosecoffee/pseuds/nosecoffee
Summary: "How do you tell someone that you love them?""I guess it really depends on the situation. And who you're saying it to. Uh, geez. Just be honest with them." Heidi runs a hand through her hair, looking at Connor with searching eyes. "And don't do that thing where you tell them that it's fine if they don't love you back, because that's unrealistic and untrue. You just gotta go with your heart. Even if it sounds really cliché."





	a kid who's lost control

**Author's Note:**

> Title from 'To Break In A Glove' from Dear Evan Hansen
> 
> I actually kinda like Larry, but, for the purposes of this fic, he is a douche canoe

His fig tree falls off the counter and the pot smashes on the tiles in the kitchen - the same fig tree his mother had given to him for his ninth birthday as a gag-gift, (he hated figs and still does), because she said he needed to learn how to love things he didn't (which makes no fucking sense, at all) - and he squeezes his eyes shut.

Connor backs up against the wall. He wants to hit. Knows he'll just get hit back.

He slides down the wall and holds his hands over his eyes so that he doesn't have to see the shards skitter across the floor.

~

Evan opens the door and is a little surprised to find Connor standing out on his doorstep. "Connor? What are you doing here?"

Connor shuffles awkwardly and adjusts the strap of his duffle bag. "I don't have anywhere else to go." He mumbles, looking at his shoes.

"Are you okay?" Evan reaches out to him and takes his free hand, gently.

"No." Connor almost smiles at how frank his answer is.

"What happened?" Evan's hand is warm. It reminds Connor of how long he walked in the cold to get here.

"You can't tell anyone this." He says.

"Okay." Evan replies, voice soft and worried.

"Promise?" Connor presses.

"Promise." Evan repeats, earnest to the last.

"My dad kicked me out." Evan swallows. He'd been afraid of this. He knows Connor had been too.

"Why would you think I'd tell anyone that?" Evan asks him, tugging on his hand. Connor takes a step towards him, a foot in the doorway, halfway into a place that's better.

"Because people are douchebags, Evan," Connor sighs, "and I honestly wouldn't put it past half our school to keep a secret for me."

"Why are you so worried about people knowing?" He can't help but ask. Connor's brow furrows. He looks up a little, some of the lift from Evan's entryway shining on his face.

"Well, if I wanted the people in this town to claw at my throat, and live in my lungs, I would've taken up secondhand-smoking at bus stops years ago." He says. He looks up more and Evan sees something dark on his cheek.

Evan laughs a little, incredulously, still looking, but Connor turns his head. "That makes no sense." He tells him. Connor puffs out his cheeks.

"Look, can I come in or not?" It's a little harsh, but Evan really can't blame him.

"Of course. You know my mom loves you." Connor steps all the way in and pushes his hood down.

"Is it okay if I stay?" And Evan exhales shakily, seeing the bruise high on his left cheek. God, he was terrified that this would happen.

"Yeah, I have a blow-up mattress." Evan says, as Connor sees him staring and winces. "I got you covered."

He smiles, experimentally. "What would I do without you, Evan Hansen?"

"Go stay at Alana Beck's house?" Evan suggests and Connor snorts. He leads him down the hall to his room and nudges the door open with his foot.

"The one that looks like a doll house?" Connor's duffle bag thumps as it hits the floor. "Nope. I'm certain that that's the plot to _Annabelle."_

"That's not the plot to _Annabelle."_ Evan protests. Connor always said that if something like this ever happened he wouldn't want to talk about it. And, if he did, he'd tell Evan so.

"How would you know?" His jacket slumps on the floor and Evan watches him strip off his hoodie as well from his reflection in the window. "You've never seen it."

"Just because horror movies give me anxiety, doesn't mean that you get to tease me over it." Evan tells him, turning back around to find Connor going to sit on Evan's bed, pulling off his boots.

"I can tease you about anything I want." Connor tells him, leaning back on the bed, feel planted on the floor. "Is it the plot to _The Conjuring?"_

"No."

_"The Exorcist?"_

"No."

_"Poltergeist?"_

"Nope."

_"Insidious?"_

 

"Do you want ice for that?" Evan interrupts, touching Connor's cheek.

"Nope." Connor echoes, grinning and taking Evan's hand, pulling him to stand between his legs. "When's your mom due home?"

"An hour, I think?" Evan says, releasing Connor's hand and cupping his face.

"Cool." Connor says.

~

Kissing Connor isn't expected or anticipated. Kissing Connor is sudden, and chilling, and a little surprising. Kissing Connor gives Evan an excuse to put his hands in Connor's hair.

Evan really likes doing that.

Connor puts his hands on Evan's hips and scoots back on the bed 'til his back is against the wall and Evan's kneeling on the mattress. Evan imagines that it's the only instance in which Connor would have to tilt his head up to kiss Evan.

Evan really likes that.

Connor kisses like he doesn't actually believe that it's happening. He curls his hand in the back of Evan's polo, and reaches his other hand up to cup Evan's face.

"Can you come down here? Jesus, I'm gonna break my neck trying to kiss you." He mutters, curling his hand around Evan's neck and tugging, gently.

"Y-y-yeah, okay." Evan stutters, sitting back on his heels, and reaching eye-level with Connor.

"That doesn't look comfortable." Connor tells him, giving him a once over.

"Well..." Evan looks down and laughs a little.

"Just c'mere." Connor pulls Evan into his lap and Evan's gone.

~

Evan wakes slowly, only because he's registering the whistle of his own snore, and self loathing is still kind of a thing in unconsciousness. Connor's hair is in his mouth. Evan spits it out and finds his mouth dry.

He'll have to reach over the other boy to his bedside table to reach his water bottle, and he'll have to sit up to reach.

He doesn't want to move from this position, curled around Connor, under the covers, snow piling up behind the blind on the windowsill, outside.

Connor shuffles in his sleep, hand balled into a fist on the front of his own t-shirt. He breathes deeply through his mouth, strategically avoiding snoring, and Evan both hates and admires him for that.

It's too darn cold to do anything but lie there.

He gets up anyway, trying not to shift any warmth from Connor.

~

Early mornings are for quiet.

Heidi has always believed this.

Maybe that was one of the factors for why nothing ever worked out with Evan's father. He had never believed in the magic of mornings, at least, not in the way that she did.

Heidi leans against the counter, waiting for the coffee machine to go off and finally get some energy for the day.

The radio's playing softly from on top of the microwave, some Top Forty Hit of the month, one with a lilting acoustic guitar and seven harmonies, one over the other.

Heidi turns the page of the paper, ignoring this weeks headline and going straight to the crossword.

There's a creaking from the stairs, signifying the presence of one of the two teenage boys currently living in her house. (Evan had texted her the minute that Connor showed up on the doorstep).

Heidi looks up and and almost sighs at the sight of Evan in pyjama pants and a dark-grey hoodie.

Evan doesn't own a hoodie like that.

Mornings are for quiet, and the boys seem to think likewise of nights.

Heidi came in late the night before, and stopped outside Evan's door, only to hear them whispering things she couldn't quite make out to each other. There were a few words that were audible, but Heidi was honestly too tired to care.

Other boys might have taken advantage of the situation; thrown a kegger, stayed up late playing video games, ransacked the fridge, snuck out. These two, however, are terribly unconventional.

Heidi's so glad.

"Morning mom," Evan mumbles as he passes and rummages through the bread bin for a moment before emerging victorious with a slice not from the end.

He shoves it in the toaster and leans against the counter, eyes closed.

"Can I ask you a question?" Evan opens his eyes again, giving her a guarded expression. So much for subtlety.

"Sure." He responds, hands curling around the edge of the bench, muscles flexing under his skin, a nervous habit he's picked up.

Heidi bites her lip and looks down at her coffee. "Are you and Connor...together?"

"Um." He grimaces, like even he's not sure. "How'd you - uh - how'd you figure it out?"

"I'm intuitive like that." She sips at her coffee, and points towards his chest, "Also you're wearing his hoodie."

Evan curses. "Dammit, I'm not subtle, at all." There's almost a laugh in his voice, and Heidi's glad.

"You get it from me, I'm afraid." She informs him, blithely.

His toast pops and Evan carries it over to his plate.

"Can I ask you another question?" Heidi inquires, blowing on the relenting foam at the top of her mug.

"I guess." Evan has his head stuck in the fridge, searching for the butter.

"Do you love him?" She watches for any sign that he's been taken aback. No sign occurs, he just closes the fridge, spreadable butter container in hand.

He sighs. "I have no idea, mom."

"Really?" Heidi puts her mug down and leans against the counter, beside where he's buttering his toast. "Or are you just scared to tell him?"

"Mom, I'm barely eighteen." Evan says, putting the knife down and turning to her. "I'm not making a statement like that. That's something you can't take back. Something you can't take lightly. If I love him, there's no way I could tell him, because what if he walks away?" He bites his lip, briefly, and looks at his hands. "If I love him, I don't want to make the mistake of straight up confessing it, only to find that he's chosen the path that I found him on in the first place."

Heidi crosses her arms. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means what it means." Evan snaps and then takes a step back. He exhales slowly. "I'm sorry. It means, what if I tell him that I love him, that I truthfully, honestly love him, and he ends up killing himself somewhere down the line? Then, what's the point?"

Heidi swallows and uncrosses her arms, taking a step out from the counter. "Evan, listen, I had a friend, once."

"Did you now?" He interrupts, snorting a little.

"Okay, that was rude, and you know it." Heidi points out.

"Sorry, mom." At least he's smiling a little now.

"I'm trying to make a point. This friend died very suddenly when we were in college." Heidi shifts her weight, glancing at the tiles. "I was always so hard on myself after that, and when someone asked me why, I just said, _'because there's so many things I left unsaid'._ They asked me if I told her I loved her before I left the day she died. When I told them I had, they told me that that's better than nothing. I could walk out that door and you could never see me again, but you'd have to know that we left on good terms. That I left a lot of things unsaid, but that my love for you was never one of those things."

"Mom..." Evan's staring at the floor.

"Don't waste your time fussing over when to tell Connor. Tell him, and you'll never regret it, if one day he leaves and you never see him again. At least you'll know you said that." Heidi says, touching Evan's forearm.

"Said what?" Comes a voice from the doorway and they both turn to see Connor in a t-shirt and a pair of Evan's flannel pyjama pants, that are too short for him standing at the threshold of the kitchen. Heidi doesn't know how much he heard, but she smiles brightly at him.

"That I left some Trader Joe's dumplings in the fridge." She replies, cheerily, taking her hand from Evan's arm. Connor makes his way into the room, slowly. "You boys make sure you eat tonight, alright? I have another late shift, so don't wait up for me."

"Okay mom. Love you." Evan says, quickly, turning back to his lukewarm toast.

Connor waves, taking a seat at the island bench. "Bye, Mrs. Hansen."

"Connor, please." Heidi prods, raising an eyebrow.

He rolls his eyes, jokingly. "Bye, _Heidi."_ Connor amends, putting emphasis on her name. She kisses Evan on the cheek and then Connor, and waves briefly.

"Have a good day, boys!" Heidi exits the house and hops in her car, hoping the boys work out whatever it is they're doing. And fast. Her life is busy enough without teen angst and sexual frustration.

~

"So," Connor breaks the stretching silence and Evan freezes up. He's not sure just how much he wants to talk about what they did the night before. "I think I'm gonna go and talk to my dad."

He barely holds back his sigh of relief. Evan turns to look at him and does his best to smile. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. It's a Sunday, and he usually works from home on Sunday's." Connor shrugs. "I could be wrong, and if I am, he's just delaying the inevitable."

Evan bites into his toast and thinks something over. He swallows and clears his throat. "I'll walk you." And it's meant to come out sounding casual but his voice cracks in the middle of a word and he shrinks back into the counter.

"And what? Hang out on my porch while I have another screaming match with my old man?" Connor asks, playing with a plant on the bench. Evan still doesn't know what the fuck it is.

"Yeah." Evan agrees.

"Okay." Connor smiles in a surprised kind of way, like he doesn't believe that Evan really cares that much, but is really glad that he does. "Cool."

~

"Oh, _I'm_ the bad guy in this situation?" He hears Connor shout and grips the railing on the porch tighter. If he had known that what Connor meant by talking to his dad was him walking in and beginning to yell at said dad, Evan might not have been so eager for Connor to be there. "At least my first impulse when something goes wrong isn't to pretend it isn't happening!"

The worrying bit is that even two floors down and through the walls, Evan can still hear them. "You think that I don't care?" Larry yells, and there's a slamming noise. Evan jumps.

"You're not making much of an effort to make it look like you do!" Connor cries, an edge to his voice that's familiar, but Evan can't quite place.

What Larry says next is muffled and then there's Connor laughing, the edge becoming more prominent.

"Oh, so it's all my fault, then?" Connor cries. Evan doesn't know if Connor means for him to hear this or not.

"That's not what is said, is it?" Larry responds, sounding hurt.

"Dad, you don't exactly make it easy, either." The voices are getting softer, and Evan sags, knowing that when an argument isn't going Connor's way, he starts to walk away. Meaning that Evan has to look like he wasn't eavesdropping.

"You're continuously twisting my words! Your mother coddles you." Larry's voice comes from the stairwell.

"Do you ever stop and think maybe mom's got the right idea?" This time Connor sounds much softer, as if he's really asking, truly disbelieving.

"That you need to be protected?" Comes the response.

"That I need help!" He's shouting, and it's plenty clear through the door. They're obviously standing in the entryway. "That's what she's doing! She's not coddling me! She's doing what's right for my mental health! And if she is coddling me, that's her right as a mother, and if I end up in the world with no way to fend for myself, that's my own fault, because I never tried to stop her! Not hers. You're the one preventing me from getting better. You know that right? You do shit like kicking me out, or claiming I just want attention, or throwing things. How exactly does that keep this family together?"

"Connor." The door is wrenched open and Connor isn't looking at Evan, he's glaring at Larry.

"I'm going back to Evan's house. Call me when you're ready to actually fucking listen to me." He says, flatly, and storms out of the house. Evan shrugs at Larry's pleading look, and turns to follow Connor.

"Gonna take a fucking shower, it's the only time when no one ever bothers me.." Connor mutters as Evan struggles to match his speed. He slows when he registers Evan. "Sorry you had to hear that."

Evan frowns. "How'd you know I could-?"

"We get a lot of noise complaints." Connor responds. Evan guessed it makes sense.

~

Evan doesn't mean to stare, but it's kinda hard not to when his boyfriend/not-boyfriend is standing there, brushing his teeth, in nothing but a towel. Evan especially doesn't mean to be caught staring, but Connor meets his eyes in the mirror and grins, spitting in the sink and washing his mouth out, before turning to look at him dead-on. "See something you like?" He asks in what Evan assumes to be a flirtatious tone.

Evan nods a little, before gulping audibly, and saying the first thing that comes to mind, which happens to be, "I think you're really brave."

There's a pause as they both take in what Evan said. Connor's grin shrinks to something a little more serious. Evan squeezes the edge of the bathtub in both hands.

"I mean," he lets out some mangled kind of laugh, "that wasn't answering my question, but..."

"Uh, sorry, um-" Evan stutters out, half to correct himself, half because he's mildly embarrassed that Connor chose this moment to drop his towel and go in search of his briefs.

"No, I just." Connor sighs and pulls his underpants on, turning back to look at Evan. Their faces begin to match in shade. "You're, um, _fuck."_

Evan raises an eyebrow and inquires, jokingly, "Am I now?"

"Oh, put a sock in it, Hansen." Connor swats his arm, and sits down in the edge of the bathtub beside him, pulling on his jeans.

"You're the bravest person I know." Evan admits.

"I won't dispute that." Connor informs him, zipping up his fly and buttoning his jeans. He turns to Evan with an earnest look on his face. "But I think really you're so awesome."

"You can stay as long as you need. As long as you want." He tells Connor and then flushes deep, adding quickly, "And I don't want you to think that I'm kissing you and stuff because I pity you, because that's not true. I really care about you. You're so brave and so great, and I want you in my life for whatever's left of it." Connor's left reeling by the statement. He hesitantly takes Evan's hand, and when he meets no resistance, pulls it into his lap. He smiles at their intertwined hands.

"...I think that's the sweetest thing anybody's ever said to me." He whispers.

"You deserve to be told stuff like that." Evan tells him, and Connor turns back to look at him.

"You deserve the world, Evan Hansen." He says, meaning every word.

"I don't want the world. I want you." Evan proclaims. Holding Connor's hands with a sense of sureness that's grounding. Connor squeezes his hand and smiles.

There's a pause.

"And Trader Joe's dumplings." Evan tugs Connor up and out of the bathroom. "C'mon, I'm starving."

"What a romantic." Connor jokes, in a deadpan voice. "I'm swooning."

~

Beds are very important.

Connor's always known this.

If you don't have a bed, what do you have?

Connor doesn't have a bed.

Doesn't have a proper home, not right now.

He feels stuck. The air mattress in the spare space in Evan's room is as close as he gets, but sometimes Evan scoots over a little, somehow sensing his sadness, and they spoon, unabashedly.

Being alone in a bed is all well and good, but in the night, when it's cold, when tree branches whack the window, and the wind whistles and howls by the house, he tosses and turns, not able to leave the bed for fear of something he's actually not fully aware of.

Evan half makes up for it, the sleepy smile of his that he makes early in the morning - when he's still too asleep to remember how much he hates his smile - and his cute flannel pyjama's, and the way he holds Connor.

It more than half makes up for it, if he's honest, but Connor would never have the guts to actually tell him that.

Heidi makes it easier, too. Never asking more from them than going to bed on time, doing their homework, remembering to eat.

Connor has to go back soon, but considering that his father hasn't reached out to him at this point makes him less than optimistic at the state of things back home.

He has no idea where Zoe stands on this particular matter. His mother calls frequently, asking after him, asking him to come home. ("I'll come home when dad's ready to treat me like his actual fucking son." _"Your father's a difficult man-"_ "No shit, mom. Look, I'll check in with Zoe, at school. When dad's ready, I'll come home.")

Zoe tracks him down at school, and hands him a plastic bag of clothes. "Mom said if you're gonna be staying at Evan's for so long, you might as well have something to wear."

Connor hugs her and feels her stiffen before hugging him back.

"Are you gonna live there forever?" Her words rustle the hair by his ear.

He squeezes her shoulders and laughs a little, before pulling back. "I was bound to move out at some point."

"That's dumb." She punches him in the arm. "Take care of yourself, okay?"

"Okay." Connor swings the garbage bag over his shoulder and whistles as he walks to his fifth period math class.

~

Heidi's been home all of thirty-two minutes when she hears the floorboards from the corridor creak. She turns around in her seat, looking over the back of the couch. There's Connor, and it's so familiar to see him that she immediately relaxes.

"Hey, honey." She murmurs and watches him catch sight of her. His hair is half pulled back and pulled into a sloppy ponytail at the back of his head. He's wearing a pair of pyjama pants that she doesn't recognise. That means that they're some of his own.

Connor walks around the couch and seats himself beside her, eyes on the screen. Family Feud is playing, and Heidi honestly can't imagine that Connor's all that interested in it.

"How long have you been home?" He asks, voice low. Heidi swallows her mouthful of sandwich that she bought from 7/11 on her way home.

"Less than an hour. Shift was long, because Erica just went out on maternity leave." Connor nods, sagely, still looking at the TV. "How long have you been awake?"

He shakes his head, "Didn't go to sleep. Evan snores, you know that?"

Heidi laughs a little, nodding. "I do. You know that I used to sleep on his bedroom floor because he was scared I wouldn't come back if I left the room?" She sobers, and turns off the TV, fussing over her plate. "Never mind. Over sharing and tired minds, not a good mix. I'm probably keeping you up with all the noise, aren't I-?"

"Mrs- Heidi." His hand is on her arm. Heidi turns to look at him and his face is so earnest in the dark. "I don't mind at all. You've been more than kind to me."

Heidi swallows and gets up, walking to the kitchen with her plate and the crusts of her sandwich (she stopped eating them when she gave up on getting Evan to eat his). She can hear him following after her.

"Heidi?" Connor's voice is small. Heidi puts her plate in the sink and gives him a tired smile.

"Yeah, honey?" She replies.

He flushes, looking suddenly embarrassed. "Never mind."

"No, no, no." She reaches across the bench towards him and watches him move further away. "Wait. Connor?"

"You probably have classes tomorrow." He says, walking backwards across the tiles. "I'm probably keeping you up, I shouldn't-"

"Connor." Heidi rounds the branch and takes his hand. Connor looks her dead in the eye. "Whatever it is, sleep can wait. I'm here for you."

"I, uh..." He worries at his lip with his teeth and then inhales deeply. "How do you tell someone that you love them?"

It kinda comes out of nowhere. "Uh, well." Heidi puffs out her cheeks, a trait she knows she passed on to Evan. She releases his hand and loops her thumbs into the edges of the pockets on her scrubs. "I guess it really depends on the situation. And who you're saying it to. Like, do you mean familial love, or um romantic love?"

"The second one." He says, quickly, like he's half embarrassed to say it.

"Uh, geez." Heidi runs a hand through her hair. "I guess, just be honest with them. And don't do that thing where you tell them that it's fine if they don't love you back, because that's unrealistic and untrue. You just gotta go with your heart. Even if it sounds really cliché."

The next thing she knows, she's being engulfed in a hug. Heidi laughs a little and hugs him back.

Connor pulls back and tucks a bit of his hair behind his ear. "Thanks, Heidi. For everything you're doing."

"Don't mention it." She laughs. "And if my son snores, I'll set up the couch and you can sleep in my room."

"I couldn't. But thanks." She watches him walk back down the corridor and sighs, playing with a strand of her own hair.

Heidi hopes whoever he wants to profess his love to will love him back. It's what he deserves.

~

Evan wakes blearily as someone shakes his shoulder, gently. "Hey, Evan," that someone whispers. He blinks at them and finds Connor, leaning over him from where he's lying, beside Evan.

Evan glances at the clock. It proclaims the hour to be two in the morning. "What's happening?" He asks, his voice rasping.

Connor shakes his head. "Nothing. I just have something important to tell you."

Evan falls back in the pillows and squeezes his eyes closed until he stops seeing light behind his eyelids. "Shoot."

"I'm in love with you, and you have to live with that, because I'm not going to stop loving you." The words don't hit home. They just all seem to be words. _Words, words, words._ Is that what Shakespeare meant? Evan doesn't know.

"Okay." He says, in lieu of any other response. He wraps his arm around Connor's shoulders and tugs him to him. "Bed time, now. Much too late for any kind of conversation."

Connor hums, and shifts the quilt a little, around them.

It's maybe five minutes later when Evan shoots upright, and stares at Connor who was awakened by the movement.

"DID YOU JUST SAY THAT YOU LOVED ME?"

~

Sex has always been a straightforward topic to Connor.

In his opinion, there's nothing poetic about it; no fireworks, no trumpets.

That is, until Evan.

Evan, who ran after him when he stole his therapy letter and totally freaked out and scattered. Evan, who talked him down from his desk chair and the exposed beams at his ceiling. Evan who held him as he broke, who stayed as his family trickled home, who stuttered through promises that Connor knew he couldn't keep, but couldn't care why.

So, when Evan's suddenly kissing him because Connor decided the middle of the night was the best time to tell Evan that he loved him, Connor isn't sure what to expect.

And - shit - it's nothing like he imagined. Sure, it's not pretty like how the montages in romance movies make it look, but it's not emotionless, and quiet, and unfulfilling, either. It's like something else entirely.

There's a few breaks to talk stuff over, awkward laughing from both ends, and nervous fidgeting, and pauses to check in ("Fuck, is that alright?" "Connor, I swear to god-" "I'll take that as a yes."). And, when they eventually get rolling, there's Evan, and he closes his eyes, and Connor can't stop staring at him.

After, it's kind of gross, and Connor has to sneak to the bathroom and grab a washcloth from under the sink for them, and he only narrowly avoids Heidi making her way down the hall to bed, but in the end, there's them, kissing lazily, tiredly, and spooning in Evan's impractical single bed.

Connor thinks there's nothing like it.

Connor thinks he's probably in too deep to turn back.

~

 **Evan:** so

 **Jared:** so?

 **Evan:** Connor just told me that he loved me

 **Jared:** D I D HE NOW?

 **Evan:** yeah. we kinda slept together?

 **Jared:** DEETS (why the ?)

 **Evan:** I'm not sure it was proper

 **Jared:** what's proper?

 **Evan:** forget I said anything

 **Jared:** nope, 2 late now, tell me about it

 **Evan:** can I not?

 **Jared:** u brought it up?

 **Evan:** fair. It was mostly just hand stuff

 **Jared:** wat does "mostly just hand stuff" constitute?

 **Evan:** Does it matter?

 **Jared:** it matters to me.

 **Evan:** Why do you want to know?

 **Jared:** im a creep, gimme the deets.

 **Evan:** That's so weird.

 **Jared:** im the physical embodiment of that Radiohead song

 **Evan:** And that's something to be proud of?

 **Jared:** if nothing else, at least i have a Radiohead song written about me going for me

 **Evan:** Sure

 **Jared:** u can't say that 4 a lot of other people, Evan. (how did u squeeze so much sarcasm into 1 word, over text?) now, deets.

 **Evan:** Why should I tell you? (That stands for your question as well)

 **Jared:** because he told u he loved u so ur response was 2 jump his bones?

 **Evan:** Fair. I dunno. I just kinda put my hand in his pants and it went from there.

 **Jared:** that's it?

 **Evan:** What were you expecting?

 **Jared:** something a little more impressive? i mean, i know it's u, but i kinda expected more?

 **Evan:** Sorry that you're so disappointed in the late-night, spontaneous hand-job I participated in with my boyfriend, wherein you played no part.

 **Jared:** harsh. also, who uses the word "wherein" this early in the morning?

 **Evan:** I do. And I didn't ask you for details about that girl from summer camp

 **Jared:** oh, come on, there was no girl from summer camp, grow up

 **Evan:** I see

 **Jared:** okay, im done. ur much 2 powerful over text

 **Evan:** Bye

~

Heidi's just heading out for a night shift when there's a knock at the door. All three of them turn to look at each other, as if doing a mental headcount.

Heidi ends up answering the door, only to find an older looking man standing on the porch. "Um, hi. How can I help you?"

He's dressed very sharply, so she wouldn't be surprised if he turned out to be a door-to-door salesman. "Yes, hello, you're Heidi Hansen, yes?"

She laughs a little nervously. "That's me."

"I'm Larry Murphy, Connor's father." Heidi's blood immediately goes cold in her veins. "I've been led to believe that he was relocated here for the time being?"

"Yes." She says, as softly as she can. Her hand tightens on the door jamb. "What do you need?"

"I'd like to speak with my son." Larry says, looking thou roughly uncomfortable. "Apologise. He can come home. I'd like to discuss with him how-"

"Cut the bullshit, dad." That's Connor's voice, and then a hand on her shoulder. Heidi moves away from the door so that Connor, obviously not dressed appropriately for the cold of the outside, can step past her and face his father.

The bruise on his cheek has faded, been gone for weeks, but Heidi still remembers how it looked, marring his features. Any man who can inflict such marks shouldn't be anywhere near this boy.

"Go ahead." Connor snaps, after a few moments of silence. "You came here to yell, so yell."

"I didn't come here to yell." Larry states, calmly, shooting Heidi a look. "I came to apologise."

"Sure. Because you'd do that of your own free will, and not because mom told you to." Connor lashes and Larry looks taken aback. And then angry.

"Excuse me?" He growls.

"You heard me." Comes the response. Is this what it's like all the time in the Murphy household? One giant, continuous _Thunderdome?_ Is this why Connor-?

"I don't like that tone." Larry snaps.

"Oh, _fuck_ you." Connor cries in response, throwing up his hands.

"I'm warning you-" Larry says, pointing a finger at Connor.

"I don't want to come back." He slaps the hand down, and Larry actually looks shocked. "It'll just happen again. I know how it works. I don't want to overstay my welcome with the Hansen's, but I've been a lot happier in their house then I have been in yours for a long time. Hell, I'd even prefer to call this place my home, more than the one you booted me from. So apologise as stiffly as you want. I don't care what you say, because even if I have to live on the streets, I'm not walking back into an abusive house with you."

There's silence for a moment before Heidi sets her hand on Connor's shoulder and steps into place beside him. "I think he's said his piece." She informs the older man on her doorstep

"Mrs. Hansen-" he splutters, but Heidi holds up a hand to stop him.

"Connor's eighteen. He's allowed to make these decisions for himself, Mr. Murphy." She stares and then smiles, pleasantly. The smile she gives patients that make her want to scream. "Send my best to your wife and daughter."

Heidi squeezes Connor's shoulder and walks back into the house to grab her purse from where she left it near the door. She's still close enough to hear Larry hiss, "You'd rather stay here, in this tiny place, with that horrible woman and-"

"Go away dad! Just go home! Tell mom that I'm not coming back!"  
The door slams and Heidi hears Connor sniff. She walks back into the entryway and sees him rubbing at his eyes with the sleeves of his hoodie. He sees her.

"If you want me to leave, that's fine-" Connor begins, absentmindedly rubbing his cheek.

"No, no. I'd much rather you stay." She soothes him. "You're better off here than on the streets. I'm sure Evan prefers it too."

"Sorry your dad's a douche canoe, Connor." Evan calls from the kitchen.

"It's okay." Connor calls back.

"You boy's'll be okay, yeah?" Heidi addresses them both.

"Yeah." Evan says, walking into the entryway, where Heidi and Connor stand.

"I can bag my shift, if you want." She offers.

"No, it's okay. It's okay, mom." He offers her his cheek and she kisses it. "We're good. We're all good."

"Okay." Heidi hugs Connor briefly before heading for the door. "Good night, boys."

~

Connor almost cries when Heidi presents him with a bottle of black nail polish the next day ("I noticed that yours was getting pretty chipped, and I didn't reckon you'd like any of the colours I already had, so I grabbed one from the shop at the hospital.") but he definitely cries when he sees Zoe at school, on Monday.

("Mom's distraught. She's practically kicked dad out. Says she's had enough of him just fucking the family over." Zoe had said, hugging him tightly. "Are you gonna stay there, even if dad moved out?" "I have no idea." Connor had responded.)

Heidi says their doors are always open. Zoe says that there's a high chance their mom will full-on kick Larry from the house. Evan hasn't said anything on the matter.

He brings it up that night.

"What if I stay here, but we don't make it?" Connor asks.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He can feel Evan's voice reverberate in his chest. It makes his lungs ache.

"What if I keep living here, but we break up?" He says, rephrasing the question.

"We'll find a way to have it be okay." Evan responds, like its the most obvious thing in the universe. "I wouldn't kick you out just because you weren't kissing me anymore."

"We can't make it, you know." Connor tells him.

Evan snorts. "That's the spirit."

"You know it's true." Connor sits up, and Evan follows him. "That's the way the world works."

"We'll make it work for us, then." Evan tells him, simply.

"What?" He grins at Connor, taking hold of his wrists, gently.

"If it tries to tear us apart, we fight back." He says.

"Are you for real?" Connor laughs.

"Definitely." Evan replies.

"I fucking love you." They go back down to the mattress.

"We'll make it work." He whispers to the room.

"I feel so loved." Connor drawls, in response to his love declaration and no answer in return.

Evan huffs. "Ugh. Ditto. Happy?"

"Deliriously." And it's deadpan, but it's genuine.

Fin.

**Author's Note:**

> THANK YOU FOR READING, I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS! If you did, please feel free to leave a comment and/or kudos, and hmu on Tumblr @nose-coffee.
> 
> Again, thank you!


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